If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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