I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize