your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
