I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
