I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
