just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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