I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
