I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
