Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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