I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
