Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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