Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Randomize
