did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
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I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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