it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm having to shit out rocks
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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