I wish I could teleport
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
