If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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