I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I forgot how hot balto sounded
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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