you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
