If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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