so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Oh god it's open bar.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Someone signed my nipple.
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