omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
