If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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