ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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