toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
These tits shall not be calmed
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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