he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Can I color on your dick again?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
