Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
