I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
