did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
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Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
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I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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