My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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