You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
