I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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