Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
