I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
