When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
