I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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