I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The power of my boobs compel you
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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