can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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