I'm eating all of the evidence.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
