someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
