I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
