I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
