I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just cut my nipple shaving
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
