He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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