you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
