so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
