Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
How does one acquire holy water?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
