What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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