The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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