my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
