Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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