After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
