There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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