I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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