I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
one might say we're banned from that church
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
