i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
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And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
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You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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