3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
