I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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