Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
