new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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