Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
