Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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